Podcast 002


Jeannie, Philip and Sam are back, discussing their thoughts on 2017, complacency and striving to get better, the complexities of privilege invoking shame and guilt, the slow progress of media representation, and humour.

Podcast 001

Welcome to our first Divinq Podcast – join Jeannie, Philip and Sam as they discuss diversity, and what it means to them. This episode we discuss how Divinq came to be, diversity and ‘divinqing’, ‘dead-naming’ and trans people, Trump’s election, and the passing of Leonard Cohen.

(The comic of Sam’s that we discuss is this one: www.roostertailscomic.com/comic/whine-wine/)

Religious Sauces Questionable

Imagine in 20 years time looking back over your class photos, picking out mates, people you didn’t know and then the guy with to colander on his head. I’d love to have a time machine to see where this story from todays NZ HeraldNZ Herald goes. Briefly, a student has claimed his school breached his human rights by not allowing him to wear his religious headwear (a colander) for school photos, he is a Pastafarian.

Pastafarianism is a thing – a legitimate religion; therefore, he should be entitled to follow his chosen faith but the school probably didn’t know what to make of it when he showed up with his shiny colander. Because on the surface, a kid turning up to school with a kitchen utensil on his head, does not fit the common understanding of religious headwear right?

I am curious about Pastafarianism and it’s ‘mocking approach’ of religion. For example the name of their church, Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, so I am wondering how other students from other religions feel about this guy getting all this publicity regarding his rights.

I still think it is important for young people to challenge rules and maybe people should not be too concerned about his future. It reminds me of this clip from Zeitgeist Moving Forward. Jacque Fresco has never been scared to challenge the system and has started a global movement (The Venus Project) because of his ability to challenge ideas.

While I respect his right to practice his chosen religion I’m not sure if the violation of his rights is worthy of a complaint to The Human Rights Commission, I don’t know his argument is ‘meaty enough’. I’d like to see him approach the Board Of Trustees and request a uniform review and perhaps consult with other religious groups in schools who have worked through these tricky issues. If he as committed as he says he is he needs to submit a proposal like everyone else.

Finally Religious persecution is a thing he might need to get used to. If he is a devout Pastafarian his faith should get him through the tough times. He simply needs to return to the sauce of his beliefs and feast on the goodness it brings.


Lost In Space

Yesterday Elon Musk launched a rocket with a car at the top into space and I’m curious about where he got the idea from. I mean, when you’re a kid playing with Lego and hot wheels cars sometimes imagination led to putting a car on a spaceship but that kind of lateral thinking is often laughed at. I guess I admire his creativity as much as his daring vision to get to Mars and make re-useable rockets. Ok there are some actual reasons a car was launched – they needed to have a test payload, something that could mimic sending up a big, heavy object. But people have been critical, worried about space junk, concerned about this being a publicity stunt. It got me thinking about what criteria people filter their assumptions.

I also think people didn’t like him having a laugh while doing it. He played music (tribute to David Bowie) made references to books/movies like (Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy) and made history. Ok so a slight error – overshot Mars orbit and is heading a bit further out but there is no risk of the cherry red Tesla Roadster speeding through our atmosphere and exploding in a flaming ball worthy of any Hollywood movie…unless there is some gravity anomaly that sling shots it back. So people need to chill IMHO.

Much of the criticism I have heard is about ‘spacejunk’. People are really passionate and quite emotional about it online and sure – there are concerns about the amount of stuff accumulating and hurtling around just above us.  So why do things like this, irk people? I think it has a lot to do with our belief in ‘common sense’ and how we view success and failure. Elon Musk is an entrepreneur, a risk taker and is very successful – it could be a bit of envy. As a species we have a tendency to cut down people who stand out. Also he is focussed on the future, which tends to reach for things beyond here and now so it can seem like he is not interested in ‘earthly’ type stuff – which is far from accurate (just see what he has been up to trying to develop clean energy). I also think we think too highly of our own understanding of things – yes – we don’t bother to read, understand, think and look at context. Our tendency is to rush at our first impulsive though and believe our opinions are accurate.

So next time you hear and ‘adulty’ person say to a kid ‘you can’t put that on there it wont work – it’s not rocket science’ well…no…it just might be. Finally I love that there is someone in the drivers seat of the roadster – otherwise that would just be weird.

join the dots or paint by numbers?

So, it seems like the hot topic this year is youth/teen suicide. Kicking off with 13 reasons why and now the NZ media has spent a few weeks on various angles (especially the New Zealand Herald). I’ve been wondering what conversations young people are having with each other. I’ve been contemplating how technology might be connected in positive and negative ways. It’s been a long time since I was at school, but I do remember the feeling of being in despair. I needed someone to care enough to really listen, to just ‘get it’. I was lucky I had someone at school to go to, maybe that is one of the reasons I ended up as a school counsellor. But part of me is concerned that young people want to fix everything for their mates, to take up all the responsibility for someones well-being and safety. Being available 24/7 to their friends who are in distress, not sleeping, worrying, burning out and getting pulled into the dark.

So while there is all these experts and ideas about preventing suicide, like a bunch of dots on a page ready to be joined, I think some people have already decided what young people need and just tell them how to make sense of their lives, give them a ‘paint by numbers’ formula for working through the hard stuff, and I’m not sure it’s helping. There are lots of popular ideas about how to be happy, fulfilled and have a ‘good life’. Set goals, have a career path, be organised, bla bla bla ‘adulty talk’.

I just think life is messy and we’ve tried to tidy it up too much. Messy includes uncertainty, upset, grief and loss, frustration, confusion, worry and doubt. It includes awkward, uncomfortable, exciting and risky. If you do have a friend who is on the edge, get your own anchors and safety lines in first – talk to an adult, share the load, seek support. Don’t do it on your own, get help.

Beautiful young people of Aotearoa – you are valued, you are treasures- taonga. Thank you for being part of my world and helping me become a better adult through sharing your pain. Share your pain and help an adult or friend grow their capacity to care.


Uniform change – pantastic

I read recently about a Dunedin intermediate that listened to its students when they said everyone should have the option to wear pants. The Principal decided why not ditch all gender rules and just have uniform options for everyone. It’s a great idea to have choice but do students really have ‘free choice’? I get that it gives girls the option to wear pants, that’s great but do guys feel just as excited to wear kilts or culottes? (does anyone get excited about culottes?) It is an important step and great that a school leader listened to students.

My experience of gender norms in schools goes way beyond uniform. I think body hair is the gender marker for most children, especially for girls. If girls have short hair at primary or intermediate they are constantly asked ‘are you a boy or a girl’ – the correct answer is ‘yes’ in case you ever get asked this question. I did all the time when I was at primary school, it never bothered me but it got a bit annoying at times, so I would just tackle harder in bull-rush or soccer and let my actions do the talking.

High schools are a bit tougher on the gender thing. I’m not sure why young adults need to be clothed in gender coded clothes for their education. I still don’t understand why pants are so scary for girls schools or why boys schools panic over guys with long hair. Because a gender ‘neutral’ option is a boys option. This is my point. Society is still basically scared of males being feminine or expressing femininity. Guys have such limited gender expression beyond masculinity in our school cultures and uniforms (including hair regulations) don’t help.

So I hope high schools start following the lead of primary and intermediates but I secretly hope we move away from uniforms completely. There are other ways to express school pride, identity and unity beyond making everyone look the same. That is not valuing diversity, it is fear of difference.

Mental Health Matters

Well, term 4 starts tomorrow and it is Mental Health Awareness Week. I was wondering what wisdom I could share as a counsellor working in a school. By that I mean, what can I say that isn’t already googleable (no…that is definitely not a word).

Maybe that’s a good point to start with. There is sooooo much information online about mental health and unhealth/illness, that sometimes I wonder if young people actually come and talk to me with their diagnosis already sorted for them thanks to some online questionnaires. Not that this is bad or wrong but I get the feeling sometimes EVERY bad feeling or upset is being searched and the worst case scenario picked out. But I also acknowledge how distressing feeling intensely anxious, depressed, or hopeless can be. For some people it is a daily struggle to keep going and I know they are often the ones not talking to someone, not reaching out and quietly suffering.

I think it’s important to realise feeling sad, angry, upset, worried, anxious in themselves is not a mental health diagnosis. Stress is also really normal, and freaking out over exams, feeling overwhelmed by stuff is part of the roller coaster of life. Sometimes I wonder if the happiness bar has been set too high, everyone expects to be feeling good, happy, ecstatic, sweet as. But I reckon a more accurate description of a good mental health indicator is if you feel ‘meh’ to ok-alright. That’s kind of the base-line for most people, but for some reason people start freaking out if they aren’t happy, joyful, excited and loving life 24/7!

So I want to put some balance back in the picture of mental health. Freak outs about speeches, exams, performances, other things like that are common, normal things. Feeling tired, worn out and mentally fatigued after a term of manic internals is understandable. Breaking down, being devastated, upset, by things like death, illness, any sudden grief or loss is healthy and natural.

My hope for this week is that the conversations about mental health acknowledge the vast range of normal emotions – including the not so pleasant ones, because without them we get out of balance and that is where the trouble begins. Dealing with abuse, bullying, harassment, significantly impacts on mental health. Worry about gender or sexuality as well, so if you are worried about any of those things yourself or about a friend – talk to someone, try a school counsellor – just take one for a couple of test drives and see how it goes. Or contact someone like youthline.

Hope everyone has a great first week back.



I am a cucumber

I’ve noticed a bit of a pattern throughout my life with how people react to me. People often assume that body image just relates to size and shape, but my experience has to do with my hair.

Being the child of a hairdresser it seemed natural I would at some point do some experimenting. My first radical change came at university and my brother did a similar experiment. I got dreadlocks and my bro shaved all his hair off. Both of us noticed the immediate effect on how people reacted to us. I had the better deal I think. I had complete random strangers – with dreadlocks, smile, say hi, want to talk about music and life and just generally I seemed to gain entry into groups without needing to do much. My brother however found female shop owners avoiding eye contact, refusing to serve him and generally perceived as a threat. Needless to say, going out for coffee together was interesting.

I then grew my hair long for many years and just blended into the generic background. That was until the start of this year when I got over it and went for the full chop. People were surprised but positive. So then I decided why not go really short and messy, to the edge of respectable margins of femininity.

That was my cucumber moment. People just freaked out like in Cats vrs Cucumbers on youtube. People who weeks before would say hi, talk to me stepped aside and looked at me suspiciously, they stopped short of hissing but I might have detected the odd growl. I could tell I had crossed the line and fallen out of the respectable image others held of my gender – people, like those cats saw me differently and I was a little perplexed for a while. But now I’m ok with my new cucumber status. Because I actually tried the cucumber thing with my own cat, I was all primed with a camera to catch out but he didn’t freak. In fact he was rather disinterested and looked at me like what is this thing doing here that looks like it could be food but isn’t. I suspect my cat has never encountered a snake unlike some of the other cats in the USA. So being a cucumber itself isn’t the problem, it’s the association with threat and fear.

So I’m embracing my cucumberness, I might even become as cool as one.

Right To Addiction

Addictions are kind of like phobias. Many people think they have a phobia and tell everyone, when really, they just have a strong fear response – me and spiders for example (or anything with more than 4 legs). But those who know they have a phobia or could be addicted, don’t talk about it. I think the word addiction is in danger of being over used sometimes, much like phobia.  

My friend Philip blogged about the addiction to certainty and how opening up to uncertainty is a way we can perhaps start to create a different culture that is open and flexible. I think there is an addiction that is similar, the addiction to being right. This is slightly different to the fear of being wrong that Kathryn Schulz talks about, but is more of a commitment to obliterating anyone who has an alternative version of something. I’ve noticed ‘right addicts’ in my own life and think I might have nearly become an addict myself – it kind of runs in my family. Right addicts in my personal experience never consider the harm their addiction causes to others. Speaking for myself, I found being around this form of addiction ate away at my confidence and sense of worth as nothing I said was valued.

I’ve noticed this in other contexts such as the rise in the use of the term ‘conspiracy theorist’. This is a relatively recent phrase, first coined in the early 20th Century but picking up it’s negative meaning in the 1960’s with the CIA deploying it in response to anyone questioning who shot then President John F Kennedy. Since then however it seems that the term conspiracy theory is used to mock, put down, and attack anyone who doesn’t agree with you.

The addictive aspect of being right also drives people to search online for evidence to back their case – ‘I must prove I am right’. It can set up a ‘them and us’ mentality bringing people together in ‘like minded’ groups to get high on taking down or attacking someone elses ideas. I’ve seen it on social media and it’s pretty ugly. But like most addicts, they don’t see any harm in what they are doing, and insist on their right to be right.

There are some groups who will see their addiction as healthy and important in terms of knowing The Truth. Two groups who have been trying to win over more users of their version of being right are scientists and those who are religious (I’m generalising). I’m not sure I want to get caught in their turf war, but sometimes I think how amazing it would be to hear either of these groups say ‘we need to revisit this idea it might not be quite as it seems’.

Maybe quantum physicists are like the addiction clinic, helping those from strong points of view on reality to understand both could be right. Me, I’m happy to be a conspiracy theorist, I find it more interesting to consider there could be more to something than what I first believed. I don’t mind getting new information that challenges my thinking or perspective. But to even question how do we know what we know, or don’t know – that is a real rush.




A simple transaction

Today I talked with four different young people about some pretty big stuff. Three guys in a row were trying to figure out how to talk to family about what there were going through. One had already tried and had been told they were ‘wrong about themselves’. Another had shared parts and the third was wondering about how to ease Mum and Dad into the bigger picture.

Seeing a counsellor at school can be pretty daunting, so it was really great when one guy said ‘wassup bro’ as he left in a friendly acknowledgement to the other guy waiting to see me. It was a simple transaction of recognition that left me feeling at peace and sad that others might be out there without a support network.

The thing is I’m working at an ‘all girls’ school and these guys are all on their own unique journeys of gender identity but all of them see themselves as male. It is interesting listening to what their main needs and concerns are about school, compared to what I hear teachers and parents sometimes naming as the ‘big issues’. Sometimes they overlap but I’d like to share just a couple of simple things that have come through generally from school students. This is by no means a checklist but might help as a starting point:

  1. Understand that how someone identifies in terms of gender/sex does not determine their sexuality. Who people are into might change, it might not. There is no ‘formula’ for balancing it all out into some kind of common expression.
  2. Asking personal questions about people’s bodies and ‘parts’ and whether they are going to have (or have had) surgery is not cool – neither is trying to ‘feel’ what’s down there! Looking up horror stories online and sharing can be traumatic and upsetting. Asking what pronouns or names people prefer is a more respectful and easy way to show acceptance and support. You can also look at supporting someone to talk to a GP about options, for example, getting onto hormones that help the body change gears and become more like the preferred sex/gender.
  3. Recognise they are the same person so, if they come out as trans*, they do not get some other downloaded identity and show up the next day a completely different person. Keep calm and carry on what you talked about the day before – also respect their privacy – do not tell people unless they have said it’s ok – but I’d still be careful.
  4. Get some GOOD information – go to the RainbowYOUTH website or check out whatever local LGBT+ support services you have. Remember, if you go to overseas sites for information, it might not apply to New Zealand.
  5. Finally – for parents: Young people want to protect parents from hurt and upset, but they also want your support and it’s ok to be confused, not understand or not know how to respond. Something I encourage any parent to do is to notice the clues young people give about the sexuality or gender and not to dismiss them. ASK: ‘Are you questioning your sexuality?’ ‘Are you questioning your gender?’ Hugs are a good response and so are tears – hugs also allow you to talk while not looking at the person, a handy and often overlooked benefit. Get support, again RainbowYOUTH has excellent resources. Maintaining privacy is really important. In my role as a counsellor, one of the biggest differences to the well-being of young trans people is parent support, and there IS support for parents.

While big changes like bathrooms and uniform options are important, it is in the daily trans-actions we have with each other that respect and support are generated.